


Not Alone

by dwj



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:55:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22263703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dwj/pseuds/dwj
Summary: Post Orphan 55 ONESHOT Yaz/13
Relationships: The Doctor/Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 10
Kudos: 89





	Not Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! First of all I just want to say a huge thank you to those who left comments and kudos on Safe, I love feedback and knowing people are enjoying my stories actually means the world. Also a quick note for those waiting on an update on Home, I will be making a start on the next episode tomorrow!
> 
> Anyway, I was originally going to write a post ep for Spyfall Part 2 which was going to be quite angsty but then do a more upbeat one for Orphan 55. Obviously that was before I watched the angst fest that was Orphan 55, so as a result I've just written one that covers both. Minor spoilers for both episodes, couple of throwback notes to Safe but you don't have to have read that in order to read this. This is quite angsty but hopefully you enjoy anyway and ill come up with something more cheerful next to make up for it. Let me know your thoughts and if anyone has any ideas on what you'd like to see from me next other than just post eps please just drop me a comment.

**Not Alone**

_People can save planets, or wreck them._

The Doctor sat in the doorway of the TARDIS, her legs hanging over the edge as she looked out into literal space. She hadn't seen the others in a few hours, after explaining that Orphan 55 and the mutant creatures that resided there were simply one of many possible outcomes for Earth depending on the actions of the human race they had left the console room in relative silence. The spa getaway turned nightmare paired with the recent events involving The Master had The Doctor hanging on by a thread. She had been distant from her fam since she had found out her home had been destroyed, again, despite her doing everything she could to keep it safe. They wouldn't understand, they still had a home to return to. So she did what she did best, kept it to herself and played the denial card every time they questioned her behaviour.

Her mask would slip only when the others weren't around, when she didn't have them to distract her from her thoughts. The guilt because she wasn't able to stop it, the sadness that made her feel like both her hearts were breaking because she was alone again, she was once more the last of the Time Lords. She refused to acknowledge The Master as one of her kind, he might as well be dead like the rest of them.

She felt silent tears slip down her cheeks and sighed, mental and physical exhaustion as a result of recent happenings had her feeling like she was on some sort of emotional rollercoaster. A ride she had convinced herself she needed to take alone.

Scooting back from the edge, she stood and turned away from the opened doors. Anger coursed through her but it had no where to go, she'd never intentionally hurt her fam or anyone for that matter without good reason. In that moment she hated how tidy and organised the console room was, there was nothing she could throw or trash to vent her anger. Turning back to the still open doors of the TARDIS, she threw them shut before slamming a fist against the impenetrable material of one of the doors. It was a breath of a moment before she regretted her action, turning back she leaned back against the doors she had just struck and slid down until she landed with a small thud.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, her tearful voice full of regret.

The TARDIS hummed in forgiveness and tried to send The Doctor waves of reassurance but she shook her head, fresh tears filling her eyes as she covered her face with her uninjured hand.

"Doctor?"

The voice startled The Doctor and she looked up with wide eyes, panic joined the rollercoaster of emotions whizzing through her when she saw Yaz standing a short distance away, looking back at her in concern.

"Are you alright?" Yaz continued, frowning as she caught sight of her friends tear tracked face.

The Doctor offered her a quick smile, wiping her eyes with her sleeve before getting to her feet.

"I'm always alright." She said with a shrug, making her way over to the centre console she began flipping random switches and pressing buttons that did nothing in hopes of convincing Yaz she was too busy for a chat.

Yaz sighed, it had been a tough few _days?_ It was difficult to keep track of time when travelling with The Doctor, especially when they were literally in a time machine. The Doctor had been distant from them ever since she had found out her friend wasn't who she thought he was, they had tried on several occasions to get her to open up to them but since then she had become even more closed off than before.

"Talk to me." Yaz said almost pleadingly, The Doctor had been there for her after her brief stint in the Kasaavin's realm and she wanted nothing more than to do the same for her and help her deal with whatever it was she was going through.

"About what?" The Doctor asked, looking up from her pointless task only briefly to offer Yaz a questioning glance. Her tears had stopped but Yaz could see the pain behind her eyes and wanted nothing more than to gather her in her arms just as she had done to her and keep her safe from whatever was haunting her.

"Why you've been so off with us lately, all of us." Yaz questioned, she tried not to let it get to her that despite their apparent closeness The Doctor had been just as shut off with her as she had with the others.

"I told you my moods fine." The Doctor repeated her earlier words, her voice came across harsher than she intended and she sighed. She didn't want to fall out with any of her fam, especially Yaz and she wasn't pushing them away on purpose, there were just certain things she felt had to deal with by herself. This being one of them.

"You call us your fam, but family don't keep things from each other." Her words hit a nerve and The Doctor looked up at her with an expression she couldn't read.

She didn't respond but she had stopped pretending her switch flipping and fiddling was anything other than a distraction. Yaz sighed and walked over, leaning back against the console she watched her friend who continued to look back in silence.

"Just let me in, please."

The Doctor's eyes filled with tears once more before she had time to stop them, she'd had no time to raise her guard back up before Yaz had found her and she feared the dam of emotions she had expertly learned to suppress would bubble over if she kept chipping away.

"I can't." She told her, her voice quiet and full of emotion. She turned away from Yaz and shook her head, silently praying that she would leave her be to deal with her demons by herself.

"Why? Whatever it is, you don't have to go through it alone." Yaz explained softly and The Doctor tensed at her choice of words.

"But I do, because I am." The Doctor said quietly and Yaz nearly didn't hear her, after all they had been through together how could she possibly think she was alone.

"We ain't going anywhere." Yaz told her, thinking she was referring to having to travel by herself.

"You don't understand." The Doctor said with a shake of her head, wiping her tears away before turning to look at Yaz.

"You don't understand." She repeated quietly, deciding that if Yaz wouldn't leave then she'd find somewhere private on her ship where she could knit her emotions back together in private.

She had barely made it past Yaz when she reached out and grabbed her hand to stop her, The Doctor flinched and it didn't go unnoticed. Yaz looked down at their hands and frowned when she saw the bruises forming on her knuckles, she loosened her grip but didn't let go as The Doctor stopped and looked down at the ground.

"Make me understand." Yaz pleaded, she had never seen The Doctor look so broken and she couldn't begin to imagine what had happened to make her feel this way.

"Let me be there for you." She continued.

"Why do you care so much?" The Doctor asked, her voice quiet as she refused to meet Yaz's eye.

Yaz took a moment to choose her words carefully, why did she care so much? Why couldn't she just let her deal with her issues alone like she so clearly wanted to? She couldn't explain her feelings towards The Doctor, even to herself, all she knew was that when she wasn't around, Yaz felt like something was missing. And when she was hurting, it hurt Yaz when she kept it to herself rather than allowing her to be there for her like she always was for them, for her.

"Because I care about you." Yaz told her simply and The Doctor finally looked at her, she looked defeated and Yaz hoped she had finally gotten through to her.

"I lied to you before." The Doctor told her with a sigh and Yaz frowned.

"About what?" She asked.

"You asked if we could visit my home and I said I'd take you sometime, I lied." The Doctor elaborated, recalling the moment she found out she'd never be able to go home again.

Yaz was confused, she had forgotten all about her request to visit her friends home planet. She had assumed The Doctor had brushed it off because going home would be no fun for her, not when she could take them to places even she had never been to before.

"I can never take you there." She told her.

"Why not?" Yaz asked, she got that it wouldn't be fun for her but surely she'd want to show them where she had grown up, even if it was just a quick stop en route to somewhere else.

"It was destroyed." Her voice cracked as she spoke, it was the first time she had acknowledged what had happened out loud.

It took a moment before things began falling into place in Yaz's mind, The Doctor wasn't referring to them when she spoke of being alone, she was referring to herself as being the last of her kind. She then remembered The Master, who they had been told was from the same planet as The Doctor. How was it possible that an entire planet had been destroyed and they were the only two survivors.

"How?" She asked before she could stop herself, she had no right to ask and she could tell it was taking its toll on The Doctor for her to even be telling her this much.

The Doctor was silent for a moment, the thought of her home being gone, again, made her feel sick. Add in the reason behind it and she was filled with emotions she had never felt before.

"The Master." She told her, her voice dripping with absolute disgust.

Yaz finally understood. Not only why The Doctor had been acting the way she had, but why the change in her behaviour had only began recently. Specifically since they had dealt with The Master. It became clear that she must have found out about her home and what he had done shortly after their ordeal with the Kasaavin. She had commented on The Doctors change in mood on more than one occasion as though she was a kid having a tantrum. Yaz not only felt disgusted in herself but she also couldn't believe how The Doctor had managed to keep her emotions at bay and exhibit simple mood swings when she had been carrying around this burden.

The two women stood in silence for what felt like a lifetime, Yaz unsure of what she could possibly say to comfort someone who had literally lost their entire home planet and The Doctor completely drained and praying the questions were finally over because she feared with one more hit the dam would finally break.

Yaz did the only thing she could think of, the one thing she had wanted to do since she had first entered the console room and found The Doctor. She let go of her hand and wrapped her arms around her instead, The Doctor tensed for a moment before she finally snapped. Her knees buckled as the rollercoaster derailed and the emotions hit her like a hurricane, Yaz held her tight and carefully sat them down on the console floor. Guilt had riddled her for centuries when she was forced to destroy her planet in order to stop the Daleks and when she had finally been given the chance to change what had happened a weight had been lifted that she never thought would dissipate. Finding out it had now been destroyed once more, for reasons she barely understood made it feel as though the weight had returned and was now crushing her leaving her with no way of escaping it.

The Doctor never let anyone see her the way Yaz was at that moment, she hated feeling vulnerable and not in control but the safety and comfort she felt from being in Yaz's arms was something she wished she could cherish forever. She was alone, again, but just for a breath of time she wanted to pretend that she wasn't.

Yaz ran her fingers through The Doctors short hair, whispering words of comfort into her grieving friends ear as she hid her face against her shoulder. She was quiet but Yaz could feel her tears soaking though her top and her body shook with silent sobs. The Doctor was always so strong and Yaz hated to think how much longer she would have kept this to herself had she not walked in on her. She was thankful the other two had left checking on their friend to her, it hadn't been easy to get The Doctor to finally open up and she knew she'd appreciate not having an audience to her breakdown.

Neither of them knew how long they had been sat on the floor of the TARDIS, it wasn't particularly comfortable but they didn't complain. The Doctor's emotions were spent, she was silent apart from the occasional stuttering sigh and still had her head resting on Yaz's shoulder whilst her friend continued to run her fingers absentmindedly through her hair.

"Come on." Yaz said after another few moments and The Doctor lifted her head to look at her in confusion.

"I don't know about you but this floor is giving my bum cramps, and I think I hear my bed calling out for me too." She continued with a smile.

The Doctor's eyes widened in panic as she realised how long they had been sat there, Ryan and Graham would have been asleep for hours and Yaz should have been doing the same had she not been stuck dealing with her. Ignoring the burn in her legs from being sat on the hard ground, she stood and offered a hand to Yaz to help her up.

"I'm sorry Yaz, you should have been asleep ages ago." She told her, shaking her head at her own selfishness.

Yaz took the hand offered to her and stood, releasing a sigh as she realised her words had been misunderstood.

"That's not what I meant." She assured her, squeezing her hand that was still in hers in hopes of making her realise.

"You need sleep as much as I do right now, come on." She told her.

The Doctor was exhausted and had no fight left in her to protest. She let Yaz lead her out of the console room and down the hallway, following in silence until they reached her room.

"I just thought, maybe you'd want some company?" Yaz asked hopefully and for the first time in what felt like forever a genuine smile crossed The Doctor lips.

"I'd like that." She said with a nod.

Yaz returned the smile and opened the door to her room, they both stepped in and she pulled back the covers on her bed before getting herself ready. The Doctor slipped off her coat and boots before climbing into bed, she lay her head against the same pillow as before and watched as Yaz climbed in the other side. They stared at each other for a moment before Yaz opened her arms to her, much like how she had when Yaz had suffered a nightmare after her stint in the Kasaavin realm. She offered The Doctor another smile which she returned before shifting to slip into the space created for her. She lay her head against Yaz's shoulder once more as her arm went around her, the TARDIS dimmed the lights and their unoccupied hands found each other in the darkness.

The Doctor hesitated for a moment before lifting her head from Yaz's shoulder, she shifted and pressed a quick kiss to her cheek before resuming her position once more.

"Thank you Yaz, for everything."

There would forever be an empty void that was once filled by her people and her hearts ached at the thought of never being able to return home despite all she had done to keep it safe. But as she felt the safety and comfort of Yaz's arms around her, she thought, that maybe she wasn't as alone as she thought she was.


End file.
